A (somewhat) Happy/Unhappy love story.....the beginning....!

Letting go....It's easier said than done. Isn't it? I mean, literally. Imagine being over the literal moon with profound amazement and joy — and then being back from the moon. And then, everything seems plain. How would you feel? I guess that's a rhetorical question to some. But not to me....

The reason I bring this up is because I'm going to tell you a story....a story about a girl who had dreams of falling in love, waiting, praying for it, and who, eventually, fell in love....hard....with someone who she thought would be 'the one'. (Let's call him Mr. A.)

For my family and friends who've known me for, like, EVER, I was generally a 'reserved, but fiercely strong personality' person....well, somewhat. At least in college, I think a lot of my mates had the perception that I was too caught up with myself, that I was oblivious of the 'attention' I got. From boys, that is. I was tall, confident, happy and in-your-face kind of person. I wasn't selfish. I just wasn't focused enough to notice, what I didn't care to notice. At that time, when I had just turned 23, I was ABSOLUTELY clear about my goals...and the timeline of how that would happen. I had literally chalked it out in my head. Finish my Masters, get my degree, get a job.... and then, fall in love....with a Christian boy. Yes, Fall in Love with a Christian. I was absolutely clear I would fall in love and only marry the one I loved. So it HAD to be a Christian guy. I prayed about it. I abstained and fasted every Lenten season for it, ever since I turned 16. I was ready for that 'Romantic Drama' to unveil when it did. I guess my instincts always told me that my love life would be no less of Love, Action and Drama. It was only a matter of When, Where and ...above all, WHOM. So, even if it meant going against the world to be with the one I loved. So be it. I was ready for that. (Indian families are infamously famous for love/marriage drama. I expected mine to be the same).

I was a few months into college for my Masters program. It was during this time that a college-mate asked me about my interest in dating guys from college. I just told him I wasn't interested in anyone that way. That was the truth. No guy peaked my interest or my curiosity ’that’ way, to take a second glance. Reminder, that I hadn't met anyone just yet, then. What was supposed to be a touch-and-go conversation, turned out to be a full fledged discussion about my love life, with a set of guys and girls, every single day, over the next few days. Honestly, I couldn't understand why they cared so much. Anyway, although I brushed it off initially, I started getting annoyed at being 'talked about' regarding my dating life, time and again. To the point, that one day I decided - 'I've had it!!!'. I was annoyed by my friends for being nosy busybodies and headed home, rather than hanging out. I got home that day, earlier than usual.

My mom, surprised on seeing me home so early, asked if everything was alright. I gave her a quick rundown on what transpired. Like most mothers, she said 'Ignore them. Don't bother'. And if they bothered me again, she actually suggested saying a 'white' lie.....'Just say, your parents are looking out for marriage alliances for you, and that you are talking to a 'guy''. Now, knowing my mother and our complicated relationship, I NEVER heed her advice, especially when it comes to dealing with my friends or mates . But this caught me off-guard and actually made me think that this was a 'fair' strategy to put forth.

A day or so had passed. No mention was made about my dating life. And then, when I’d just thought all was well, it started again. I thought too soon. So, as suggested by my dear mother, I lied to my friends that I was 'talking to a potential groom'. This time, my friends left me alone for a week. I was genuinely relieved. I honestly thought, that debateful conversation had ended. I don't know why I cared, but I was annoyed that these ’peeps‘ had nothing else to talk about, except adamantly questioning why I didn't date anyone from college. Anyway, what I didn't realize was that I was being observed astutely over the next few days by my mates. The reason is, that I failed to justify the lie by pretending to spend hours on the phone, i.e. talking or texting, to portray the view of 'talking to a potential groom'. My lie was close to getting caught. Again it came up. By now, you can imagine my frustration. So to prove that my lie wasn't a lie, I argued and convinced my mates that I would bring a picture of a guy that I was 'supposedly' talking to. Let me tell you this, back-to back lying is NOT my forte. It's hard to keep up with the stories. But I had to get these guys off my back and stop bothering me. So I agreed. All the while, in my head, I knew what I was going to do....which is, basically get a picture of some random ‘dude’ from the internet, take a print and show it to these ’bozos’.

Back in 2004, when the internet had just started becoming a 'norm' in India, and online shopping was not yet welcome, another trend had started to set in India .......online marriage portals like Shaadi.com, Christianmatrimony.com and so on. Suddenly, ‘available‘ men and women found this medium to be a great way to actually date and get to know someone, especially when dating was still frowned upon by a sizeable part of the Indian society in those days. Today with the onset of dating and marriage apps, ‘swipe left or right’, etc, these portals seems to be yesteryear tools now. Obviously, the most logical answer for me was to find that 'random guy' picture from one of these online marriage portals. Because strategically, the more I thought about it ....it made sense. The picture is genuine, the profile would be genuine, the groom is real, justifying the right intent to marry.....EXCEPT the ‘so-called bride’ aka ME, was fake. Deja-vu moment of a movie. Isn't it? Back then, one didn't have to register on the website to scour through thousands of profile pictures. We could go through as many profiles as we wanted without paying a dime. But if someone had to establish a contact with an 'available, single bachelor or bachelorette', they would need to register to be a member. I knew I wasn't going to register. Ofcourse. It's obvious. Because I was confidently waiting for 'the one' to show up in person. The whole time I kept thinking.....this was going to be one heck of a prank!. I was going to have the last laugh. Little did I know, that the joke would be on me. The snears and the silent laughs in my head were ringing away constantly. I was coyly pleased with myself and my idea....

It's 7pm, and I turned on my desktop in my brother's room, connected the internet via DSL, as was the case in India those days, and started surfing through the various profile pictures on the portal. "Welcome to Keralamatrimony.com". The website's headline read. Hmmm interesting, I thought. Each page had 10 profiles. I kept looking and looking and looking. I had to ‘up‘ them at this game, was all I could think about. An hour had passed. I was ready to give up and I even considered admitting defeat the next day and say that I lied. Right then, I heard my mother calling out to my brother and me for dinner.

I was just about to shut down the computer when I had hit upon 200-something page. I scrolled through the screen pretty quickly, and almost had my finger at the "Screen off" key, when I stopped. I ....just...stopped. And...I ...stared ...for what felt like, forever. That's when I saw Him. Mr. A. His eyes. His face. Almost like, I could sense his depth and emotions, just from his picture. I felt my heart skip a beat or two, for a few seconds, before it started beating again and this time, faster by the minute, as I kept staring. Logically, I didn't know who he was. And yet, something told me that I 'knew' him. Like I'd known him for awhile. A voice telling me..."you know him". I found myself whispering to myself..."I know him". Could one really feel this way? I wasn't sure. I've never felt this before. Suddenly, nothing else mattered, but his face was all I could think about. I felt the image seeping through and consuming every part of my brain. I found myself questioning how I could feel something....anything.... for someone I had never met, or rather, just from his picture. What did this mean?

Little did I know then, that my whole world was going to change that instant....from that one picture...A.

#openlife#loveisreal

....to be continued in my next post.....