So You Want Me to Marry so I’ll Have a Care-Giver !?! Here's What I've Realized......

Unlike the West, our love life isn’t a private affair in the Indian culture. Living in both cultures actually makes life interesting, rather comical at times I should say.

My American friends never quite ask about my dating life; they don’t question me about a future relationship and never suggest that getting remarried should be the most important thing in my life.

Yet, the many Indian friends and family, more so the elders in the Indian community and I don’t know, random 'Indian-ish' strangers on the internet, definitely have an opinion on my love life. Especially at social events or gatherings.

At a recent wedding, I got approached by a few aunties, who mentioned both blatantly and in very subtle ways.

“You should get married,” they say nonchalantly, just like that. As if they are pointing out to someone else to say, “you look over-weight”. Not that these aunties (AND my mother) have spared me their comments regarding my weight either, when I pack on a few extra pounds.

The reason?

“You don't want to be alone. You need someone to take care of you in your old age” is the most common argument I hear from them.

“You can enjoy the world now and be care-free and love life but what will you do when you’re in the hospital and sick and feeble?”

Umm…what? I mean, isn't that what 'leading a healthy lifestyle' is all about. So that you don't fall sick and feeble in your old age. Or if worse comes to worse, isn't that what Senior-citizen living homes are for? I mean, I've seriously put some thought into this, when these so-called 'concerned' Indian uncles and aunties (and peer group people) ask me randomly and ever-so frequently.

So, basically the point is, I need to be with someone so I can have a care-giver when I get sick in my older years? I need to endure marriage so I can have a companion when I’m at the end of my life?

Ummm…NO…in NO SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS way would that EVER happen!

This might have worked on me 15 years ago when I was young, naive and hopelessly in love, but there is no way it’s going to work on me now.

You can never tell someone who has been married once before, that they’re going to need help in their older years as a way to persuade them to get married!

Getting married for the sake of having a care-giver when you get older, is NEVER a good enough of a reason to get married.

Especially after everything I've been through, marriage for the sake of care-giving is not a compromise I’m willing to make.

Of course, if I said this out loud to someone what I was thinking, they would be aghast in shock with jaws dropped (literally!!!) and then respond and in some cases, have responded with…

“it’s so hard to be alone…”

“don’t you want to make your family happy…”

“isn’t it time you settled down?”

“what will you do by yourself the rest of your life?”

See, challenging cultural norms such as the typical Indian mentality about marriage makes others feel uncomfortable.

I wonder what would happen if I shared my thoughts with my mother on this?? Well, in truth and rather very comical in my perspective, all hell would break loose and I would be coaxed to pray harder and seek counseling. The next thing I know, my iMessage and WhatsApp inbox would be flooded with messages, quotes and 'inspirational' videos....the whole shebang of 'emotional blackmail' that my mother, rather all Indian mothers, are so naturally talented and gifted with.

Okay, but all jokes aside,.....seriously…you don’t have to get married to be happy or because you need care-giving.

Because. I've realized....

......realized that all my problems in life is not going to be solved with a marriage. In fact, I don’t even have a problem at the moment.

......realized that maybe it isn’t about perfection but learning to coexist with our flaws.

......realized that it isn’t about who walks in and then walks out, but rather who walks in afterwards to help you clean up the mess.

......realized that it isn’t about how many times you fall, all that matters is that we get back up again with another plan.

......realized that we are all going to miss someone at some point and it doesn’t make us weak; it just proves love was real even in their absence.

......realized that there isn’t a timeline for healing. There isn’t a place we can go or a version of ourselves that we can become, to rid ourselves of it. I've realized we can’t get over something trying to avoid it.

......realized that we can’t teach someone to respect us and sometimes the hardest walks we’ll take are away from those who can’t support us the way we need, to become the version of ourselves that we were meant to be. That sometimes even the people who loves us the most are toxic to us and those will be the hardest people to distance ourselves from.

......realized that if we must walk away from anyone or anything, to do so without bitterness, resentment or unkindness because it’s how we walk away that people will remember us the most.

......realized that there isn’t logic when it comes to emotions and sometimes people’s feelings do just change and there is nothing you can do to reverse that.

......realized that sometimes we’re going to have to forgive people even though they might not be sorry because WE deserve a peace of mind and happiness within ourselves.

......realized that sometimes on the road to becoming our best self there will be moments when we are at our worst but even then, there will be people who chooses us, loves us and wants us, but above all, we must remember to always choose ourselves.

I've realized that the only real thing we can do is put our best self out there and hope the person on the receiving end is at a place themselves where they are ready for that sort of thing, but that won’t always be the case.

In the last few years, more so on and off, I was always trying to find someone to love me unconditionally (and forever), but I was always so hesitant to love someone the same way because I was scared of getting hurt, considering my own experiences. Looking back, I see the irony and hypocrisy in my thinking—I knew what I wanted, but I was not ready to give the same to someone else.

I also realized that I had to grow up to let someone love me. Fear of commitment and failure were my overused excuses to why I could never find someone to love me as a whole, because I used those excuses to find something wrong with everyone.

Occasionally in life, if we are very fortunate, at the most difficult moment we might meet such a person who saves our heart. Makes our heart beat again and laugh through the tears. And that's when we understand: nothing brings as much joy as talking to this person. And it doesn't matter what is between you: friendship or more ... The main thing is that you live again ...

#livelifetothefullest

#lovefreely

#faithinmarriage